Alameda Bitchslap – Short descending stretch of road that snakes steeply down Alameda Ridge on 42nd. It provides a high speed challenge, as the road falls away steeply toward the gutter.
CSS (Cycle, Soak, and Suds) – Common fall/winter outing schedule including the three stages in sequence. Provides bracing refreshment when combined with the chill of the colder seasons.
Gome by Shmidnight – state of intoxication leading to the production and proud distribution of garbled text messages.
Groundhog the Hiatus – put off a planned break
Ladleful – A goodly amount
Nippy Gallipy – very cold out
Zulu Swerve – The incomprehensible tendency of bicyclists from Zulu nations to abruptly enter your riding path, relying on the evasive actions of non-Zulus to avoid a collision.
LAWS, SCALES & INDICES:
Blockwalk Coefficient – Number expressing the amount of change or effect resulting form an inspired walk around a city block. The actual value of this number, based on official testing on SE and NE Portland city blocks, is hard to truly quantify.
Barrett’s Beer Window – The time period, according to Martin Barrett, when alcohol can be imbibed to optimum effect. This is loosely defined as 10-midnight.
B*****’s Limit – The maximum allowable amount of accidental touches by a man to another man (especially when in a soaking tub). According to Dan B*****, this number always equals 1.
B*****’s Law – For every action, there is an equal and opposite homophobic reaction
Diminishing Return of Alberta’s 18th Parallel – Observed, depressed nature of constituency due to reduced visits to said parallel.
Jameson’s Heat Index – Index used to recalibrate temperature in accordance with perceived temperature, using the variables of actual temperature and amount of whiskey imbibed. Historically, results have fallen loosely along the lines of a ten degree increase per jigger.
Kennedy Scale of Verbal Altercation – The probability of provocative words spoken boldly out of turn, out of place, and given extra emphasis by the sudden, random silence that subsequently accompanies the infringing utterance. Probability is known to increase drastically when those of Scottish heritage are involved.
Parker’s Altercation Ratio – The percentage of outings when Shalen Parker will unnecessarily induce some sort of confrontation with others in a public realm.
Parker’s Law of Aerobic Intervention – Definition yet to be clarified.