Arrive at Vendetta after watching a gridiron match. SA already lurking over the table (must have called while en route) with hawkeye and subtle twist of the wrist. Pro powder to augment the gritty brown ice. Bring your own Elf Stomper. The table moves up in rankings after this night. SA dismisses me easily as Dubs and Zulu arrive. Zulu beats Dubs, then SoPo over NoPo. Kong arrives and its Smokers versus Kansas. Have you ever heard of a Kansas Kielbasa. The first of its kind on the last game of 2008. Oh, don’t forget Awards Night. Zulu is released. Off to the Nest. SA stays to give a hearing. The Awards serve ample precedent for future laughter. The whiskey triumvirate of Dubs, Kong, and Stats stayed way past bedtime with talk of a coast trip. Holy crap pedal home, with the EBMB leading me to Halsey. A brief stop to watch the cars on 84. “We are not them”. Very late equals plenty early. Goodbye 2008. Here are your awards:
Snipper’s Awards:
Heroic endeavor: Statty for his 14 mile cross country ski trek on 12.23.08. thru the frozen snowbound streets of Portland. Not content with one bar, he attends two until last call. Home at 4am and up at 7am “Don’t drink and Ski!”
Best ride 12.2.08 A 7.14mile Midnight run from Slingshot to Vendetta inspired by SA and copiloted by Statty provoking the mid-ride utterance from the EBMB: “It’s all downhill from here!” This one proved once again that while beer and blockwalks have their place, it is the riding that counts.
Scariest ride 11.11.08 *W*et *W*indy *W*ild from SE 75th and Division to Rumpus Room SE 105th Division. 30 blocks of fast driving, spray throwing trucks and cars just inches away on what was essentially a highway. On two separate occasions I asked myself “Why the fuck are we going to this stupid fucking bar out here in this weather on this road?” only to remember with glee that Zulu man was going by car and could put my bike in back on way home. Alas, I never did put it in the back. It was enough to lift my spirits and keep riding. Then I forgot and 5 mins later asked myself the same thing all over again and got the same answer. Weird, wild indeed! This event led to the next award category …
Best ‘Blazing Bar Walk in’ with ‘Total Surprise’ combo. 11.11.08 @ the Rumpus Room. Still smarting from the WWW ride and sporting “this better be good all way out here in where ever we are” attitude. the EBMB is completely blown away by sheer overload of two fabulous freestanding tables (a Brunette and a Blonde), stuffed vinyl booths, 50’s inspired garage themed neighborhood bar with friendly staff. Truly a find!!!!!
Bar find of the year: Nominations are Vendetta and Rumpus room. Think it goes to Vendetta though.
Drunkest night: Can’t remember!!!!!!
Discovery of the year: 11/4/08 The Persian Conversion
Loftiest night of the year: 11/4/08 Election nite at GF
Memorable moment: 9.16.08 Snipper’s garage 1.30am impromptu vegetable tour and tomato tasting.
Award for Services to Cycling: EBMB for an “all events, all locations in all weathers attended by bike”
Rookie of the year Kong quickly showed his qualities this year providing encyclopedic reference to just about every bar within a 5 mile radius of his house, a knack for fast confident and accurate shots on both longboard and bankboard SB tables. SA’s mindblown reaction to these shots was memorable. He once was heard to utter “I want to play with you.” Perhaps Kong’s most impressive ability is to listen to, discuss with, and argue the toss with Scrappy on the best songs, bands, albums or lyrics ever. His verbal defense of the Crash Test Dummies as the best band ever in the face of overwhelming disbelief, outrage and copious “MMM MMM MMMs” from Scrappy was a blessing in disguise. It was then that Thirsty Fathers everywhere realized the golden gift they had been handed. Kong will certainly cement his standing and reputation in the TFC when he brings to fruition a coast weekend in the company of some hard drinking barkeeps.
Quote of the year: “I’m twice your age” Scrappy tries to start fight with bunch of snotty kids at Vendetta believing that invoking this phrase will get us on to the shuffleboard table faster. This has gone on to form the expression “twice your age, half as hip and three times as high.” Scrappy has shown a consistent knack for stirring it up at various locations around town this year. Honorable mentions go to: “Okay Okay Okay” and “Martin, please stop rubbing”
Most Overt, Shameless and Outright Sleep in a Bar: 11.11.08 Zulu displays shameless zzzzs and a lolling neck at Thatcher’s. Not even the verbal parrying of Kong and Stats arguing ‘Bon Scott vs Brian Johnson’ could hold his attention. The demanding effort in holding newboy status for so long is relinquished and Zulu basks in the glow of his newfound OG status. Honorable mentions go to Scrappy for some “head down moments” on the bar at the Nest and lying flat out at The Horsebrass.
Scrappy’s Awards:
Best Late Meal:
1. I Wanna Be Your Dog
2. Hurricane Garlic Fries
3. Tricerihops and Scotch Egg
Worst Late Meal – $2 Hal’s Tacos. Never again. Ever. After choking on the stale hard shell and nearly vomiting, I decided to put the rest of my tacos into trash. The lady clearing the tables and cleaning up the trash pointed to them resting on top of the bin and asked if I was done with them. I think that says it all.
Best Crotch Grab – EBMB, Rumpus Room 11/18. Following a supreme shot on the Brunette against Kong, the EBMB heroically celebrated in high groin fashion. If you had seen the shot he made, you would understand why this was in any way acceptable, let alone worthy of an award.
Worst Crotch Grab – EBMB, various, K-school tub. SA set the limit for a reason, Edwin.
Top TF phrases:
1. “Bicentennial!”
2. “I’m twice your age!”
3. “With every moment, a new level of clarity”
4. “You should really dress up in a hawk suit”
5. “Do not drink and ski”
Top phrases spoken by a non-TF:
“Braille Typewriter of God!”- Hawkman
“Leave me outta this!” – Uncle Frank
Best New Bar – Vendetta
Best New Shuffleboard Bar – Rumpus Room
Best Use of Transit – “Zoo2Vendetta”
Mother Nature Calls Award – Springwater Frog Chorus
Zulu Swerve Award – Scrappy (amazingly). Almost took the EBMB completely out. Zulu is spared the dubious honor his actions created.
Solomon Grundy Award – Kong
Attendance – EBMB. Scrappy was right there with him, but unofficial sanity nights and commitment to cycling leaves Stats in the dust.
Best Rides-
1. “Leave me outta this!” 12/2. Foster Gardens, Slingshot, Vendetta, Nest.
2. “Bicentennial!” 3/31. St John’s Bridge, Nest.
3. “O Martin Where Art Thou” K-school, Nest, Kay’s.
4. “Zoo to Vendetta” 9/16.
Night of Nights: “Vegan Cake on Ice” 12/23 Duly documented in the writeup. Sincerely an out of body experience for me, as the athletic endeavor of skiing, the magical snowy scenes, and the floated beverages were legendary. At least for me.
Shuffleboard Awards:
2008 Shuffler of the Year: SA (Despite playing 50 less games than Dub-Dub, one cannot overlook 60+% in both singles and doubles, a winning % on the bankboard, an amazing ratio of 1 hanger for every 4.8 games, and a 2.91 avg. singles points margin) Very Honorable Mention: Dub-Dub.
Hangman (Hanger Specialist): SA
Uber Ally (Most Valuable Partner): SA
Dark Horse: Kong (Look out for the Good King in 2009. Favorable points margin despite modest win total. This indicates close losses and big wins. The wins are sure to increase if scoring trend continues.)
King of the Bankboard: Statty (Despite Zulu’s 2-0 record, Scrapy’s 10-6 record and recent surge on the table wins here. Plus, I had to give myself one award.)
Amazing 2008 Facts:
34 documented outings (Considering the largely undocumented rides of summer between 6/29 and 9/15,
this number is more probably in the mid to high forties.)
575 miles on bike 13-15 miles per outing
Bars most visited: Nest (18); Goodfoot (11); Vendetta (11)