Preshow Cocktail: St. Hell-ons Wheels

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In honor of the thirty (thirsty) year anniversary of the Mt St. Helens Eruption, I give you a volcanic themed rundown. That is not to say that we are the least bit likely to travel to Hal’s tonight after the Crow Bar. I mean, there’s just no possible way that we would have a few beers on Mississippi and then travel the gargantuan 4 miles to Hal’s for shuffleboard. It’s not like its a good table and they’ve got good beer specials there or anything.

Magmartin
 (7-3, 2 Hangers) Spew! Spew! Spew! The volcano of victory just keeps on spitting out triumphs. Not content with Tuesday eruptions, Magmartin thinks its a gas to blow up virtually every day of the week (7 games played since last Tuesday). Will this relentless fountain ever revert back to dormant mountain? Let’s just put it this way, don’t enter the blast zone without your lava suit.

Hairy Scottruman (7-3, 3 Hangers) Just like Harry Truman up on Spirit Lake in ’80, this Hairy refuses to go away. Sure, he has felt the rumble and shake of the mountain above, but he is steadfast in his quest to stick around until the end. However, Scott is certainly not a stubborn, crotchety old man in his eighties. He is more of a fan of eighties music with a manstub in his crotch. Also unlike Mr. Truman, Scott will likely live to tell the tale. There is plenty of year left though, so if the blast continues, he may be indeed be covered in mud and ash like the rest of us.

Obsidi-Dan
 (7-3, 2 Hangers) With a delivery as smooth as volcanic glass, Obsidi-Dan is back in the floe of things. Also engaging in the three game day week plan, he is back to painting the town his signature glossy black. However, just as in the formation of the glass, Dan’s 2010 is a product of running hot and cooling fast. He is hot right now, but if he wants to maintain his glassy pattern, a quick cool is on the way. He may have to change his composition to break the hot and cold mold.

Cinder Cowen
 (5-5, 3 Hangers) Zulu’s new form is the result of an explosive eruption last week in which he went 4-2 and dropped 3 hangers on us like so much pumice. This outburst seems to have been the result of a good bit of built-up pressure finally breaking through the crust. Recently chastised as having little force, this recent blow-up certainly decimated the detractors and melted some of glaciers that haunted him. Truth is, I’ve always been his biggest alluvial fan.

Dave Lava-bord (4-6, Flood) Yep, that’s Dave up on the lava dome with his surfboard, waiting to catch the next plume. The originator of the new Lava Boarding craze, he has developed a keen knack for finding a choice ride in the disaster area. Volcanoes are indeed unpredictable, so the results of his runs have been as varied as a thrush. However, this lefty is rock steady on the board. Not ready to hang ten just yet, but certainly making the most out of the hot river floe.

Dormant Doormat a.k.a. Complete Ash Hole
 (2-8, 2 Hangers, 8-pt. end) Beneath the mud, ash, and fallen trees lies the flattened carcass of the once noble Scrappy. Amazingly, still breathing, he asks you not to hold your breath as you wait for a return to form. He’s got acres of muck to shovel out from and apparently only a teaspoon for a shovel. Even though there is much of the year left, it might take all of it just to climb back to ground level. There may be freedom in the slump, but there is no liberty in the sludge.