Greco-Roman Preshow

Mars-tin He may only weigh a buck-55 in wet swim trunks, but behold the God of War! With red eyes inflamed by the loss of the golden hammer, he has once again gained control of his arsenal. Hell, he just swam the river Hades over lunch. It is not coincidental that he did most of his damage in March, the month named after him.

Ovid Laborde Best known for his erotic poetry, Ovid enjoys a good puck. Although some naysayers claim the unfinished epic will soon end tragically, his yarn just spins on. With a nod and a wink, he has managed to write himself into the 2011 script and may be poised for the lead pen should the ink dry up in the reservoirs of the other authors. The questions is whether the pen is mightier than a golden hammer.

Scotrates An accurate picture of Scotrates is difficult to construct. In fact, some say he does not exist at all, only living on as an invention of those who claim to be his students. Myth or man, there is no questioning the methodical approach Scotrates uses in dismantling his opponents and arriving at his heroic answer. Careful mental midgets, this thinker wins the argument enough to make your noggin hurt.

Shelena Below the slightly manly exterior hides the daughter of Zeus. His face may have once launched a thousand ships, but these days it looks more like a thousand ships have just crashed square into his ugly mug. Gone are the days when Shelena was sought after by suitors and kidnappers. What’s an aging goddess supposed to do these days except hang around and pretend to be a man? When and if you do lose to Shelena, try not to think about it too much. Even the macho lose to shy girls some of the time.

God of music, light, archery, and pretty much whatever else you got, Apollowen indeed has sharp arrows and sharper wit in his quiver. Sure he might be chatting you up now, but in a second he’ll be splitting your cross-hairs and pinning you to the wall. His arrows may have been a bit errant as of late, but Apollowen, like the honey badger of Greek myth, doesn’t really give a shit. Without him, there would be no music, light, and pretty much whatever else. Why should he care where his arrows land?

Danysius Being the god of wine, drunkeness, and being forever young might sound like a life of all gravy, but it does have its lumps. These days, it’s as if Danysius is getting all the lumps out of the way at once. Will the drop in fortune of the hammer bearer cause him to reconsider the lush life of drink and debauchery?  Of course not. Danysius knows there is freedom in the slump. You may be sober, but I’ve got the hammer.

 Being the god of the sea, rivers and floods, it seems a bit understated to refer to him simply as the Adjuster. The storm he is to bring is still brewing, but make no mistake, the gale winds await. Is that a trident in his pocket, or is he just glad to see you?

Artimis It says here that he is a virgin, but we all know different. Our Artimis, the male version, is actually the god of the deflowered. He is certainly always hunting through the wilderness for young animals. This passion for the sweet kill has only recently shown promise at the table. Watch your back or you may find yourself deflowered.

Lorezeus Even the god of sky and thunder has to visit the basement sometimes. However, being the father of god and men, his towering figure seems misplaced in the confined quarters. He is growing quite anxious, wanting desperately to stop dodging the low rafters and get his own piece of sky. He really needs to find the stairs before the claustrophobia sets in.

Lee There is no god by that name and there may be no man as well. We are left with only myth.