Preshow: Movies

Posted on

Citizen Cane (67-37 , 64.4%)– Sure, there’s 64.4% chance of Martin beating you, but that pales in comparison to the 99.9% chance he will reply to this post with yet another candy cane picture. Ruthless both at the table and the keyboard, the EBMB has once again bombarded us from all sides with a steady barrage of hangers, shutouts, and … well … pictures of cane-curious black guys. Needless to say, this all-out assault must end. However, many have tried to lick him before, only to end up on the business end of the lollipop.  Preferring not to follow a linear pattern for success, this Engaging Business Magnate Boy prefers to let his winning do its own talking through a tapestry of flashbacks, letting the mystery unfold before you, one suck picture at a time.

The Shalenshank Redemption (31-22, 58.5%) – Sentenced and imprisoned for years by his obsessive champion disorder, Shalenshank is now slowly hatching the escape plot.  He has befriended the guards and the warden, silently gaining control of the necessary means to get out. Right now, he is smiling, drinking a rare beer and tarring the prison roof. Soon you will marvel at his ingenious escape, but for now you can just share this fleeting moment of beer freedom with him. Drink up, it may be years before you reconnect with him on some southern beach.  That fucking guy could never finish a sentence.
The Kong’s Speech (31-23, 57.4%) – This good king does not stutter. However, if you listen closely, you can hear the fractured voices of abused tables in the distance … “St-st-st-st-op k-k-k-onging m-m-my c-cradle!” His tectonic tactics may have shaken his approval ratings, but, like the royal honey badger he is, he don’t give a shit about measly plebeians. There is definitely nothing common about this King.
Damien, Owen 2 (8-6, 57.1%)- It truly is scary how little we see of this particular possessed man.  14 total games!!? Preposterous! Who knows how he manages to dote on his wife in a time of need while the demons all around are howling. If his stats are to be trusted, possession is only 5.7 tenths of the law.

Das Vid (20-1, 55.6%)– Like a German Sub rising from the depths, this U-boat captain has surprised the fleet early. Last week, he had to retreat into the depths to recoup his losses. Still, with European styling and sneaky speed, he is truly a match for any seafaring foe. His farts may smell like a dozen sweaty German shipmen, but check out the cinematography! Will this edgy, artsy piece of work rise on the bubbles of critical acclaim or sink into obscurity like a depth charge shell? With many battles to come, it is yet be determined who rules the high seas.

Star Woes: The Dantom Menace (57-52 , 52.3%)– It’s as if this once kick-ass movie series has been hijacked by stupid scripts and bad actors. This Dantom Menace is a putrid Sci-Fi groaner of the worst kind. The elegant battles and epic stories of old have decayed into sordid scenes of an aging farmer Jabba-ing his tongue down the throat of Slut Amadala at the Hut. Despite disappointing the costumed hordes in the movie line, Dantom still has the power of the hammer and should not be underestimated. While this early 2011 release should go straight to video, the folks at MucousArts still might yet surprise at the box office by the end of the year.
Lorenzo of Arabia (5-9, 35.7%)- Intense heat and drifting sands may have slowed his approach, but the tall robed Lorenzo now cuts quite a figure in the desert sky. Unencumbered by the restrictive plans of the royal army, this military man has begun to cut his own noble cloth. By foot, by horse, or by camel, Lorenzo has arrived. It seems only fitting that a crescent of a moon should shine on such a night.

Sean of the Dead (8-16, 33.3%)– What started out as a normal day at the Wherehouse has turned into a comic horror film for the Adjuster. He was simply strolling through his day, wearing some dick-ass tie, when all of a sudden he noticed that the harmless fathers that once surrounded him had transformed into the walking, flesh-eating, undead. He has managed to scrounge up a shovel from his tool shed to defend himself against the howling, soulless mob, but it doesn’t look good for the man that earlier in the year promised that he would one day have the hammer as his own. Don’t bother trying to eat those words, Sean. The zombies can easily eat them for dessert.

Timbo: First Blood, Pt. 2 (1-2, 33.3%) – Did you not learn your lesson in the first movie? Why on earth, given John Timbo’s reputation, would you choose to cross him again? And, in case you think this movie reference is stretch for Timbo, I’ll send you the photos of him in full camo outside the West Linn teen slumber party windows.
GeRard Warrior (1-3, 25%) – Does anyone else find it a little hard to believe that the destruction of civilization would turn the last remnant of humanity into punks with gaudily stylized clothing and that gasoline — not water — would be the rarest and most valuable substance in a desert filled with motorcycles and trucks? Oh well, GeRard Warrior doesn’t ask questions, he just kicks ass. It’s pretty impressive to watch, even if the ass-kickings do occur on an improbable Sci-Fi desert world with more paradoxes than tumbleweeds.  (My apologies to Scott for not using extremely specific details from the movie.)

Lee-Wee’s Absent Adventure (0-0, 0%) – No story here. Just wanted to start calling him Lee-Wee.