Preshow: Rock Bands

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Van Shalen (50-29, 63.3%) – The recent run with the devil may have put him on top, but once the toll is paid, Van Shalen may just dance the lead away. Sure, he craves the glory like no other, but he must not fail to realize that everybody wants some. The top is a prison of sorts and the crude temptation to get unchained may make him want to jump. Might as well slump! Slump! However, when questioned, the patient, confident Parker said, “I’ll wait until the year comes down. I’m coming straight for your hammer. No way you can stop me now.” He’s happy now, but Shalie may be cryin’ by the end of the year. Scorpiowens (10-6, 62.5%) – The wife is calling, he has to go. Felix is hungry, he runs the show. Zulu’s licking his lips, he’s ready to win. On the bike tonight it’s love at first spin. Listen, Owen. In Felix, it is evident someone has sent you an angel, but the rest of us would like to see you around as well. To put it simply, there’s no one like you. We can’t wait for the nights with you. We imagine the things we’ll do. We just wanna be loved by you. Iron Martin (94-63, 59.9%)- Run to the hills, everybody! Iron Martin is once again looking to make you his powerslave. With well placed pucks, he will force flights of Icarus and will provide no sanctuary. Without the pressure of being on top, he is truly running free. “Pux, pux, pux, the number of the beast.” Danzig (89-79, 53%) – Danzig is a deft American, slyly awaiting his moment to pounce. He made not have made much noise so far, but one gets the feeling that the Silent Assassin may be about to put forth a twist of cain. Take a whiff of the night air and you might just smell his demonsweat. Def Lebold (40-37, 51.9%)- Gunter glieben glauchen Kongen! The goood king keeps playing exceptionally, but finds himself left high and dry at the result. The constant string of tight losses have surely been bringin’ on the heartbreak. What does he want? He wants rock and roll … and the hammer. However, for now, all he’s got is a photograph. One thing is for certain, he knows how to Armegeddon it. David Lee Roth (27-29, 48.2%) – He’s just a gigolo and everywhere he goes, people know the part he’s playing. However, although the year started with David going crazy from the heat, he is no longer living in paradise. Summer is his favorite season, however, and his 6-4 record over his last 10 makes me think we can expect big things from the Ice Cream Man. Loren Zeppelin (9-16, 36%) – Lorenzep has had good times and bad times. Sonner or later, his time is gonna come. The real question is whether a new song will emerge or whether the song will remain the same. Of course, he may have to wait until fall to don his lucky Kashmir sweater. Tim Lizzy (1-2, 33.3%)- Timmy the Fox would surely rather play Romeo with some lonely girl than play shuffleboard. In fact, I think presently he is with some angel at the coast. Rest assured, the boy will soon be back in town. Ace Frehlee (1-2, 33.3%) – Like a comet, we only see Frehlee once in a while. Ice in his veins, he has left a string of cold memories trailing behind him. Someday, he’ll get back in the New York Groove and visit more often. Marilyn Mansean (9-24, 27.3%) – No one really knows what to make of this spooky kid from Florida. Having Trent Reznor on your side doesn’t mean shit in shuffleboard, but being an antichrist superstar is bound to pay off someday. With the rapture come and gone, his big moment may also have passed. Personally, I can’t stand to be around him/her. His eyes are beady and he smells like children. Twisted Lester (1-4, 20%) – Listen. He’s not gonna take it. No! He ain’t gonna take it. He’s not gonna take it anymore. He’s especially not going to take getting slighted in the write up for yet another week. I mean, last week he was just a big girl and this week he’s Dee Snider?!? If that’s you’re best, Scrappy, your best won’t do. Sure, he’s right. Yeah, he’s free, Yeah, he’ll fight. Well, we’ll see.