Preshow: Cartoons

Felix the Cat’s (Father) (10-6, 62.5%) – While the original Felix tapes are finished being remastered in High Definition, the rare lost episodes featuring his father have yet to be unearthed. Last seen a bajillion years ago in some dusty French art house theater, the lost scenes are said to be the only remaining record of the father. Some revisionist historians claim that he doesn’t exist. Marvin the Martin (133-82, 61.9%) – There he is, the Commander of Flying Saucer X-2 carrying his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. His hat has been modernized from the Roman helmet, but there is no doubt that this man is a Centurion at heart. Anyway, you are blocking his view of Venus so he has no choice but to blow you up. But, where’s the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom. This makes him very angry, very angry indeed. Scrappy Doo (65-45, 59.1%)- Here we have the annoying Great Dane puppy, barking incessantly and biting your ankles. He has to be somebody’s nephew or something, otherwise who would keep him around? Annoying or not, he’s always in the fight. He was last seen being pulled away by his uncle, crying “Lemme at ’em. I’ll flatten ’em.” So much for puppy power. Dougs Bunny (4-3, 57.1%)- After taking a left turn at Albuquerque, Dougs has found himself in a mysterious, medieval world of shuffleboard jousts, valiant crossings, and quaffs of mead. Not one to be labeled an ultramaroon, Dougs has joined in with fervor. Despite the early returns, Dougs should be on the alert, being wabbit season and all. Daffid Duck (43-36, 54.4%) – People may say that this little black duck has worn out his welcome, but that, sir, is an unmitigated fabrication. This fiddler crab is definitely in season. Could it be that this greedy slob has a chance at the hammer? What a revolting development! Josie and the Pussyscotts (46-46, 50%)- He’s just cartoon chick version of the Monkees, but I bet you know the theme song. He looks a little haggard these days, but you should be able to pick him out in his leopard-skin leotard, smoking a heater on the stoop, growling, “Being a pussyscott ain’t all gravy you know!” Danatasha Fatale (116-120, 49.2%) – Taking orders from Pottsylvania and blindly following the Fearless Leader may have gotten him this far, but I’m afraid this year goes to moose and squirrel. He may be the world’s greatest no-goodnik, but right now Danatasha is playing just badenov to be a non-factor. Sorry dahlink, you will haff to giff over ze hammer. Tim and Jerry (2-3, 40%)- Created in the MGM studio in the 40s, this schizo, cat and mouse punk rocker is still chasing tail. He’s old enough to worry about soiling his own box on the preshow flight, but only usually has problems on incontinent-al flights. It all Depends. Loren and Ztimpy (18-28, 39.1%) – Aging cat and mouse act is nothing compared with a psychotic chihuahua. Enjoy him now before he gets censored. Knock-knock. Who EEEZ – it? Seanderdog (18-32, 36%)- Sure, the shoeshine boy brought Polly Purebread to the prepack, but did you ever realize that he speaks in rhymes. Not bird, nor plane, nor even frog. It’s only little him, Underdog. He’s the hero who never fails. He can’t be bothered with such details. Tweetlee Bird (1-2, 33.3%) – He’s a cute little bird in an Oak Groven cage. Tweetlee’s his name, but he don’t know his age. Anyone know what they call the space between your putty and your tat? ‘Taint me to say. Sylester (1-6, 14.3%)- Felis silvestris: A wild cat who hates succotash but will suffer through it. Written off for dead so many times, he’s now on his 8th life. He says he might make the show tonight, so you’d better put him on the guest lisp.