Return of the Preshow: Drug Edition

beer prescription

Chairman Growth Hormone – So every January, the Chairman goes clean and then cleans our clocks. Or so he says. Several sources (all gorgeous women of course) have reported that they personally have “sprayed his deer antler” in 2013. This practice, as we all know, causes extensive growth. You can strip away the stage victories, but you’ll never be able to wipe that smile off her neck. Vic-adin – The trader, while slightly overprescribed, is certainly killing the pain of past disappointments. He has established a narcotic perimeter that so far this year has successfully warded off the inflictors at the gate. Better keep popping what you’re popping, Vic. The centurions of chronic pain will surely grow in numbers if your flag keeps flying at the top of the castle. Swanabolic Steroids – Ever seen a swan on steroids? Yep. Every week, my friend. Feathers glowing, neck bulging, wings outstretched. And could that bill get any bigger?  White Shadow, Black Swan. No longer in need of adjustment, he can now certainly fly with the largest of the birds. Cannabis Stativa – Whoa man! I am so slumped. Oh wait. That was a month ago. Clouds of smoke and the smell of bent caramels obscure the scene that is Gato Hucho. However, the plot has thickened in the fog. Just remember, targets are for the lovers and the sidewheel cheats. So, don’t put one out there deep. If I could just shut up, I’d tell you more.  Zuluprofen – Big surprise! The Maybe Man sits at 50-50. He’s so over the counter that his dimes are two nickels. Sometimes he cures a headache and sometimes you need Excedrin. Sometimes its “pills-pop-and go” and sometimes he can’t get the childproof cap off. Tonight? The nurse says take two Advil and listen to some Sepultra records. SARM (Silent Assasin Receptor Modulators) – Selectively androgenous, SA’s receptors have been modulated for a while now. Once clinical in his mastery, now the good doc’s oath is more hypocrisy than hippocratic. His chubby chased; her ladle full; his pursuits trivial. The closed-door studies down at the Tiffany Center have taken their toll. However, can you really blame Apollo, bedecked in wreaths of past glory, for choosing to rest on herlaurels for a while? Yes. Yes you can.  MDMB (nextasy) –  MDMA (ecstasy) can induce euphoria, a sense of intimacy, and diminished anxiety. MDMB (nextasy) does exactly the same thing, except for the anxiety, which either remains constant or can become severely raised in subjects. Small important bits, such as one’s bearings or one’s dick, can get lost in the anxious pursuit of big ideas. “We should totally march naked over Mount Tabor. I’m doing it!” is very often followed by “Where are my keys?” and “Which one is Mt. Tabor again?” However, there is one big idea perennially in the Snipper’s coffers that suffers the details necessary: The Hammer. You know, that thing at Dub Dub’s house. However, just like every year, this year promises to be different. The immediate horizon holds breaking news for those hopeful cold coveters shivering in the golden hammer’s black shadow. While MDMA is now being tested for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), MDMB is currently in its final tests for a different PTSD. This one is called Put The Hammer Down.  Bezztosterone – Winning games for Pacific Big and Tall has been like milking hormones from a cat’s balls. Hard, hairy work. However, there are signs that this castrated shell of a man has regained his virility. Okay, there was only one sign, but it sure beats milking a cat. The Good King Roofie – All the pretty tables are dozing. The Good King has assessed their weight and dosed the drink accordingly. “What is this drink you bought me?” “It’s called a Horse Collar. It’s the special tonight. Vintage craft cock to tail, I mean cocktail” Every induced, drifting blink is an invitation to him. “No, no. You are in no shape to get behind the wheel. Let me drive you home. You can sit next to the cock rings.” Call the hotline. Na-meth – We barely see him anymore and they say he’s hit the pipe. Here’s hoping he kicks it before his teeth fall out and he starts looking like Angie’s second-choice lezbo whore.  Xenoandrogenus – Sure, exposure to the Genus might lead to reproductive disorder, but that’s just cause you’ll be laughing your balls off. Totally worth the risk.