Preshow: Russian Edition


May the chilling Russian winter finally reach its end.
Да здравствует революция!

Plaidimir I (13-7) – Let’s just call it what it is: an Empire. Malevolent or benevolent, the dictatorship is certainly entrenched, the rule definitively established, and the emperor in full view. The sheer expanse of the empire is historic. At its present state of enormity, it ranges from the Black Cat Sea in the south to Vendettensk in the north. Many say the peasant struggle under the iron fist of Plaidimir is reaching its end, but others concede true revolution is like a hopeful pile of kindling in a harsh Ukrainian ice storm. When a spark finally takes to the wood, Plaidimir’s giant figure emerges from the blizzard; clad in mammoth skin; ice cold borscht in his veins. With a mere whistle through his slightly gapped teeth, the flames is silence and your hope is snuffed out. He then walks over to a convenience store and buys a fake cigarette painted with rainbows and unicorns, totally emasculating the menacing figure he previously cut out on the tundra. With each victorious poof puff of his poof puffer, your existence is made all the more hopeless and your proper place on the ice field that much bleaker.

Shalenbinsk – Widely recognized as one of the most contaminated nuclear humans on the planet, a surprise visit by a giant meteor is probably the least of Shalenbinsk’s worries. Despite tireless efforts by the department of tourism to spin the event into something lucrative, it turns out hat no one really wants an ice cold vacation next to a glowing lake. Dashboard camera captures and aerial views of the impact zone abound, but everyone can see that this session of fame will burn up soon, signaling a return to the relative obscurity of tainted soil and grim future of East Russia.

Chairmanobl – Disaster is really too strong of a word. Reactor-tionary, some would say. Regardless, the explosion and release of psychoactive particles from this Russian sect of Northeastern Po(rt)land effects local inhabitants on a daily basis. Furthermore, the distinct lack of effort (inaction likely attributed to the psychoactive particles as well) to contain the purple and green crystalline particles is of great concern. In fact, despite the well-documented environmental toll, this plant keeps churning out psychoactives. With politicos in nearby Vancouverstan loosening restrictions on these plants, the future skies look to remain cloudy. At least one local has embraced the inevitable, saying, “If it’s in the air, your might as well puff it, dudeski!”

Bolshevic – Seeking a revolution to transform the stifling stasis of the current regime, Bolshevic has arrived with respectable force, finishing in the top 5 for the last four months on the trotsky. With workmanlike persistence and a humble approach, a concise statement against the Tsarist autocracy has been drafted. It remains to be seen whether the engine of change will continue to run smoothly. As of right now, it can’t go more than thirty minutes without Stalin.

Swan Lake – What kind of story is this? Turn a princess into a swan? Are you illyiching my pyotr? I don’t care how foofy you can dance, there ain’t no way to turn a princess into a swan. Why would you want to anyway? You can’t fuck a swan. Actually, you probably can, but is it worth the mud stained feathers, chafing, and goose pimples? A princess, on the other hand, well … she sure has all the boxes checked, don’t she? Just make sure you check the box before leo her tard. Sure, she’s a princess, but that don’t mean this sleeping beauty ain’t a nutcracker. Despite the holes in the plot, the acts that go off at the Bolsean Theater are not without merit. Solid examples of dance, steeped in a long tradition. Maybe not the best ballet, but it sure ain’t electric bugaloo dressed up in a tutu.

Kasakhsdan – Kasakhstan or Kazakhsdan? Let us compare. Kasakhstan is the largest landlocked country in the world. Kazakhsdan is the largest pussy-whipped territory in the world. Kazakhstan, which lies on both sides of the Ural River, is one of only two countries lying on two continents. Kazakhsdan, by contrast, is often incontinent, parted by a urine river, and lies about it afterward. Kazahstan is ethnically diverse, due to mass deportations from Russia under Stalin’s rule. Kazakhsdan is ethically perverse, due to mass transgressions under Tiffanski’s rule. Kazakhstan has a balanced foreign policy focused on diplomatic aims. Kazakhstan has a “don’t ask, don’t smell” policy, attempting to shift focus from emblematic stains. I could go on, but the wikipedia entry is getting boring. Plus, at least for tonight, Kazakhsdan doesn’t exist.

Bezzarus – Bezzarus, like the nation of Belarus whose territory was devastated during World War II, is in rebuilding mode. Withstanding a long losing streak may not be like losing a third of your population and more than half of your political resources, but somehow it feels the same. At times, president Lukashenko Shepardov, seems a brave stalwart of old world wisdom and power. At other times, he seems like a chunk of rubble cracked loose by the wrecking ball of modernism. One thing for sure, although Bezzarus might appear landlocked at times, but he certainly has a high ceiling.

Moscowen – Like a handprinted leaflet or an orator’s voice through a bullhorn, Moscowen is all about propaganda. His persistent penetrations into the social and natural sciences have given rise to mountains of pseudo-scientific theories, all constructed to support his ideology and fuel his political ambition. Preferring to shout from a far, Moscowen’s rare outings are quieter, subdued affairs seen by many as transparent attempts to soften the edges of this ruthless ambition. He might put the social back in socialism, but at what cost?

Lensigstad – At risk of collapsing into the Baltic Sea, Lensigstad is in a challenged state. Some people don’t even call it by this name any more.

St. Lestersburg – In Russian literature, informal documents, and discourse, the “saint” is usually omitted. In common parlance, the “burg” is also dropped, with townsfolk referring to it as Lesters. Despite the omissions, Lesters seems more.

Kongolia – Call him Ghengis. Call him Kublai. If there is a table to raid, he will be there. At times, the interior regions of Kong’s usually acute brain switches to the opposite pole, embodying the chief characteristics of the country itself: sparse population and little arable land. It is from this confused empty state, that nearly all reason gives way to brute force.