Goodbye Trouble Year, This Year Goes to 11!

With the Golden Hammer still hanging in the balance and heated debate over fairness of the final night format, we fathers put a lid on 2010: a year that will go down with its share of trouble.   For those who took to the bike, the ride to Hal’s was a chilly affair, with temps just above freezing and the sky mulling over the idea of wet snowfall. Most notable were the arrivals of Kong and the Chairman, the former red-faced and the latter looking fresh from a south face summit attempt. The two contenders, however, looked warm and ready, one arriving comfortably by car and the other by a bike trip long enough to awaken, but short enough to keep the numb from the fingers. The party was rookie-crashed by a new father in desperate need of a night out with the boys: Sean Welsh. At Hal’s, the aptly chosen venue for the final showdown, expectation hung in the air, prolonged by an extended preface on the smoker’s porch. Finally, the play began and the excitement and expectation was, unfortunately, soon reduced to anti-climax by two swift wins by the Existentialists. These two wins offered no real way back for the EBMB and, despite following up with two wins of his own. The shuffleboard standings ended much as they had began, with the Silent Assassin maintaining his narrow lead and reclaiming the hammer. Next, it was off to the Roadside fire to meet up with the Leech and mull over notable quotes and stats and hand out the awards. The toast spoke to the end of the trouble year and to the coming year: the year we make contact. In the discussion, the Leech laid down a most brilliant phrase: “This year goes to eleven!”

General Stats
163 bar visits
51 individual bars
22 new bars : Apex, Belmont Station, Clinton St., Cosmo, Devil’s Point, Ella St, Fitzwaller, Hall of Records, Hop and Vine, Jade, Landmark Saloon, Matador, Portway, Produce Row, Red Flag, Red Fox, Sapphire Hotel, Sewickly’s, Standard, Tiger Bar, Vintage, Workshop
5 bar nights- 1, Sept. 14th (Note: Lee and Scott went to two bars this night. Last year we had 2)
Most frequented bars (10 visits or more): Sandy Hut 22, Vendetta 21, Tiga 13, Hal’s 11, K-School 10

Thirsty Cycling
2967 COMBINED MILES (down from 3059 in 2009)
Total    Avg.
SP    787.2    15.1
MB    606.8    8.5
DB    509    7.1
SL    438.9    9.5
DL    213.4    6.1
OC    155.3    7.8
LS    136    15.1
GL    107.3    9.8
TL    13.1    0.8

Thirsty Shuffleboard 
357 games played in 2010 (287 in 2009)
Big Night: Lee and Shalen 10-0 6/8 Rumpus
Blankenstein: Martin 14, Dan 12
Hangman: Dan 29, Martin 28
Floodbath – Dan 17, Shalen 10, Martin 10, Scott 7
Kielbasa-Nostra – Three new members, each with three recorded on the year Martin, Dan, and Scott. Shalen also recorded 2 to make the total 11 kielbasas on the year.
Double Hangers – Scott 1, Lee 1. (still the rarest of notables with  a mere 3 recorded all-time)
High end –Scott Lebold (11, 2/23 Hal’s); Dan B***** (10 5/4 Sandy Hut), Scott Lebold (10, 5/4 Sandy Hut); Dan B***** (10 12/14 Rumpus)
Streaker –Martin Barrett (16, 2/5-2/23); Shalen Parker (13, 5/25-8/6); Martin Barrett (11, 4/20-4/27); Dan B***** (9, 5/18-5/19)
Stag (Singles Player of the Year) – Martin Barrett 63%
Uber Ally (Doubles Player of the Year) – Dan B***** 64.9% (before tonight)
Gruppo (Best Doubles Team) – Dave and Owen (1-0, 100%)
Century Award (100 Wins) – Martin Barrett,  Dan B***** (each recorded 150 wins this year, a first)
Doubles Century (100 doubles wins) – Dan B*****
Shutout ratio (shutouts/ shutouts against) – Shalen 9/3, Martin 14/9, Dan 12/ 9,  Scott 4/8, Owen 1/2, Gerard 1/2, Dave 2/5,Lee 0/3
Hanger rate (1 every X amount of games) – Lee 4.5, Owen 6.6, Shalen 9.09, Dan 9.17, Martin 9.43, Scott 10.41, Gerard 10.9, Dave 14.2.

Shalen’s Awards:
Ride of the Year:  Quadramillenial! (Rumpus, Vendetta, Nest, Hot Cake House)
Bar of the Year: Sandy Hut
Night of the Year: Quadramilennial!
Heroic Endeavor: Wet shorts on a Rocky Butte
The Chronic (Best Attendance): Martin 50, Dan 47, Shalen 47, Scott 41, Dave 29, Owen 19, Tim 15, Gerard 10, Lee 9.
Rookie of the Year: Chris Livingstone
Quote of the Year: Get your ‘vard on!
Best Eats: Pork shoulder curry, fish house wings, and tamarind sours @ pok-pok
Best Viral YouTube: Amazing Horse
Smell of the year:  Sewer flats

“When the Aussie gets back from the bathroom, he still owes me for his beer.” Leslie @ slammer; “Suck My One”; “Show some silver!”; “Tasting the gold”; “Don’t look at the handlebars when you’re sniffing the saddle”; “Thirsty Fucking Fathers Man!” – MB after riding the rail and knocking off the hanger by cocky Koin TV critic; “Put that on yer chin and smoke it!”; “Not bad cotton clad!”; “It’s Robert Burns birthday!”; “Get your ‘vard on!”; “Bonusland!; “Tuckmaster”; “Two valiant crossings”; “Rogue shire!”; “Clack-a’lacka!”; “Forgotten wallet sweepstakes”; “Stop in the middle, swivel around, and go at it hand over hand.”; “Totally crusing abd gome by shmidnight”; “You guys are like a gang!”; “Smells like teen superfund!”; “Four makes it a trinity”; “Subaru chimney”; “Nacho tariff!”; “Gut Smoke’n Suds!”; “Quite a build you got there, Shalen.”; “If you’ve got $300 to spend, they’ll fix you a sandwich.”; “I got the full sandwich in the changing area”; “I am wielding an ax avenue”; “What this shuffleboard game needs is a little Slayer”; “It’s USA water. It’s from the moon!”; “It’s breast cancer beer”; “Not enough chuff for the muff”; “The lord loves a prepack”; “Bio-horti-argi-curious”; “Sniff the ginger!”

Martin’s Awards:
Collins Dictionary revised edition award  for services to Thirsty alliterative endeavors: A magnificent 15 term night (cycle ,smoke, soak, cycle, suds, shuffle, cycle, smoke, suds, cycle, sustenance, suds, strippers, cycle, sleep)
The Sweet Lemonade Award for services to viral internet based 15 minutes of fame: The Amazing Horse
The ‘so you think you can dance” or “dancing with the stars” award for fleeting dancesteps performed at The nest with the gal with the white shirt goes to: Shalen Parker, Quadrimillenial night.
Bar of the year: Tiga
Beer of the year: la Chouffe
Best beer after hot tub – HUB ipa

Phrases of the year:
“Don’t look at the handlebars when you’re sniffing the saddle”; “Show me some silver”; “Not bad cotton clad”; “Tuckmaster”;”Bonusland”;”Rogue Shire”;”Neverending puck”
Gotcha Soundbites of the Year:
VD? Oh you mean Vas Deferens…..
I’d need to be having sex with you before I get a vasectomoy Ok…
Life is getting finer by the minute.
I feel like I’m recreating my living room wherever I go. See…I’m cycling beside you and hanging out on my sofa at the same time.
I want to order $100 worth of food please.
I am an Alpha Male.

No thanks…I’ve had 5 pints already….sure I’m going to Tiga.
I stopped in the middle, swivelled around a bit, and went at it hand over hand
Totally cruising abd gome by shidnight!”
Bella chiffisimo – the beautiful little smoke.
Award for life imitates art:
SHOOTING AN ELEPHANT I had already decided the night should play out like Orwell’s Shooting an Elephant. The one where the British police officer stationed in Burma recognizes the conflict between his own intellectual sympathies with the oppressed and his official role as an enforcer and enabler of the self-same oppression. The internal conflict is made physical when he follows an elephant into the woods, finding it at rest after a rampage through a nearby town. Against strict laws forbidding it and against his own wishes, he is persuaded by the native mob to kill the elephant. Orwell’s story illustrates the inherent problem with hegemony: “When man turns tyrant it is his own freedom that he destroys”. With this plot printed and folded in my back pocket, the symbol of tyranny in my own story arrived. We rolled out, like complicit British officers, down the path to the arena. There, with the paper unfolded on the table, I set about to follow the plot. The plot proceeded without a twist. I found only victory in my challenges, the final one being direct victory over my oppressor. Feeling as if my efforts had at least restored some balance, I rode off under the pre-midnight curtain of light rain. I see in this night the living proof that prescience sleeps in the determined soul and wakes with purpose under the hand of the oppressor. With the contents of my soul on the table, the value of my guesses have now been determined. It appears the cage you built to keep me, keeps the both of us.

Dan’s Awards:
Heroic Endeavor: Tire change
Nutcracker (Most Gracious Wnner): Shalen Parker