Preshow: Scary Movies

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A near Halloween trip to the Black Cat? How fitting. This calls for a creepy preshow writeup: Rosemartin’s Baby- There is only one explanation for how well Martin is playing this year: He has agreed to let the devil impregnate the Sandy shuffleboard table in order to advance his acting career. The spawn of this tainted conception is, of course, a golden hammer. Peer through the apartment blinds and you may see him rocking the hammer to sleep in the late evening. On second thought, don’t peek through the blinds. He’s just as likely to be doing something else with his hammer. Shalen’s Lot – Returning to Portland, the shuffleboard mecca he knew as a boy, Shalen has found that his former opponents are all vampires. Despite his best attempts at marching them out into the sunlight or impaling them with wooden stakes, they just keep on sucking the life out of him. Long ago, if you retained 58% of your own blood you were safe. Now it appears that number, well … just kinda sucks. Damien, The Owen – Owen seemed to have it all. Happily married and the Zulu Ambassador in the US. But, he just had to have another child. He used to come out regularly, but now the devil spawn heir to the Zulu throne, Felix, serves as a domestic anchor keeping his ship safely in harbor. Last week, he made a fine appearance, replete with signature quips and self-effacing platitudes, but the darkness underneath was written in the lines on his face. Gone is the free grace in which he used to perilously swerve. In its place, a straight and narrow path of demonic efficiency. Diapers quickly changed and disposed of. Feeding schedules impeccably synchronized with the jewel movements of an exacting underworld. It appears now, save for a brief escape via a brilliant display of ping pong acumen, that Owen is playing out as the prophecy told: Felix in horns and Owen a servant to his evil bidding. Texas Chairmansaw Massacre – As the rest of us wait for this year’s harvest of headcheese, Leatherface continues his cold-blooded killing way out in the middle of nowhere. He may not kill every last one of the Lynyrd Skynyrd fans, but he is doing a fine job at trying. Be wary, or you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of the steel sliding door. Dan of the Dead – Some say he’s dead. Some say he is undead. One thing is for sure, he’ll eat your flesh if you give him a chance. This zombie may not be wielding a golden hammer for long, but his march to the end will surely have most of us running for the shopping mall for refuge. This from the Portland Mercury – “To kill zombies, you need to destroy their brains. The most surefire route is simply lopping off the cranium with a chainsaw, machete, or samurai sword. Mind the follow-through, however– anything less than 100 percent severance just isn’t good enough.” Now, where did I put my samurai sword. Leboldergeist – He’s here! Then he isn’t. But, then, he’s back! But, then, sadly, gone again. This apparition is a bit unreliable, but the paranormal experts say the recent regularity of sightings points toward a late season surge. Late night tv sets beware! The ghostly snow is coming. Evil Doug II – It’s only natural that Namath would feel like he is locked in a remote cabin with all the others in deathly pursuit. Such is the life of precocious shufflers who make high early marks and provide the promise of new eras. The reality tthat rookies are prey for the veteran zombie hordes may have been delayed some by the fortifications of exceptional potential, but, for now, the cabin walls are closing in. Sadly, mere survival may be the best possible outcome on bloodstained horizon. Don’t worry, Doug. It’s only natural. The Seaning – Sean isn’t quite as well adjusted as we think. It appears that the forboding haunts of his isolated hotel have seeped into his brain, causing him to thrash around like a homicidal madman. Driven by an insane need to win at the table, this axe-wielding maniac has at times convinced us that he will succeed in his murderous rampage. Using the sharp end of his autumn trophy, he might just break through the last hotel door. It may not be this year, but we may soon see his him, hammer in hand and face squeezed through a broken crack in Hal’s front door, crying with psychotic fervor, “Here’s Seanny!” Then again, he might just die in the snow. Psychzo – He never would be seen in grandma’s dress, but he just might surprise you in the shower. The voices in his head and the sharpened butcher knife are a growing concern. This momma’s boy been on a tear lately. It’s probably best to drive past this motel. The Timityville Horror – It appears he is permanently stuck in the recording studio. It may take the voice of several ghosts to scare him out. The ChangeLeeng – It appears Lee has come to terms with the spectre living in his historic mansion in Oak Grove. Some say he is that self-same spectre. Either way, it would be great to have proof of his existence every now and then. 28 Days Lester – He is surely hiding out somewhere, waiting for the zombie virus, and possibly Occupy Portland, to pass. He has been fighting for survival on his own and needs to be saved. Someone send a plane, for he is too valuable to be engulfed by the zombies.