Preshow: Dog Breed Edition

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Mexican Chairless
– Every dog has his day. This Chairman yipper sure did last March with a needle-threading last bark to win best in show at the 2012 Spring Coppa. Tonight, he avoids the likely incidente mexicano by cutting his hair and slipping out through the back before the van leaves for the vet. His 40.7% career at the Rumpus is more neutered than neutral. Sibrian Husky – Something about this lead dog reeks of beta male. Sure he’s pulling the sled right now, but it seems he would be much more comfortable sniffing someone’s alpha ass a few yokes back. I’m sure all the other dogs behind him would agree. Still, he’s made it through the Arctic with a front row seat. It all just seems a bit backward. Maybe he’ll freeze up when the air gets warm. Shih Tzcan – Sturdy, lively, alert toy dog seeks frail, sedated, buxom lassie. I may yet have had the heft necessary to handle the burden of much hardware, but I certainly can hit above my weight. If interested, meet at the Rumpus. Other dogs go there to be euthanized, but I love the place. Dalmasean – His performance has been a bit spotty, with Cruella fate putting a few dents in his coupe deville, but the Adjuster is giving 101%. The icestorms are behind us, his true shape will soon surely emerge, making it no longer possible to mistake him for a mere oil spill in the snow. Great Dan – Or maybe Not So Great? This hound has been getting by on his giant reputation for far too long. Tall claims are more tall tale than tell-tale truth. Once decorated with shiny accoutrements, his custom collar looks like a mutt scarf these days. Sure, not having to lug any hardware around since March of 2011 has giving him the freedom to play sniff ass with all comers, but this show dog is certainly losing his sheen. A sidewalk stroll of wins like last week’s are now usually followed by a loser’s march through the mud. One more barrel roll through the shit pile and he might stink for good. Lhasa Apsowen – How does a non-sporting Tibetan that never shows up still manage to stay at 50%? Must be a Buddhist balance gleaned from many years as a sentinel in the monastery. A rare breed indeed, but this monastic seclusion has gotta change. Dobermartin– Edwin the Pinscher is already fucking someone’s leg down by the duck pond. He might need the practice, but there is really no excuse for that. To see such distinguished breed, known for great endurance and speed, waste his gift on the pant leg of a common park attendant is truly a travesty. A travesty not unlike his dismal 3-6 start in 2013. Mommy, why is that dog’s thing bent like a hammerhead? From nailing too many bitches, son. German Shepard – Remember when George Forman showed up in Zaire for the Rumble in the Jungle with his two German Shepherds only to find out that they were the breed brutally used by the oppressive government against the populist insurgency? It wasn’t Foreman’s fault. He didn’t know. It wasn’t the dog’s fault either. Still, it really sucks to be misconstrued. Or be the wrong dog. Or have to face Ali in the ring. Bulldoug – It appears Namath wants to retain an undefeated mark by stubborn abstinence in 2013. However, I imagine the spring air will get the Natural out to stud sooner than later. Richard Gerard Labrador – So rare, I made up a breed for him. So rare, he’s still in contention for best, despite not really entering the show. Way too rare for the Rumpus, we likely won’t see him until the Swan Island fire. There, out of the smoke, he’ll appear. A lone wolf with his eyes reflecting the flame. Then, sooner than you can say Oklahoma, he’ll disappear into the night. Scottish Terrier – You know, the one that’s so small and cute that he fits into the pastel colored glove box inside the actual glove box in the VW bug. No, not the one chewing on the pizza flavored cock rings, the one with the red bow. Yeah, that one. Well, he’s 0-1 on the year and 11-28 since 2011. However, perennial strong showings at the spring cup might inspire him to take his slobbering maw off the candy man and focus on his game.