King Gerard XIV (1-0, 100%) In this, the early part of the 21st century, King Gerard sent out two French brothers (identified and defined below) to do his bidding and resolve his royal claim on Cascadia, the spirited land renowned for beer, bikes, and shovelboard. While his early reign (forever ago-present) was a lassez-faire affair, the challenge on Cascadia stung him into action. In his first significant strategic actions to date, he has now called called on the services of the so-called Frères Merde (Shit Brothers) to keep his perfect record well protected.
Edouard-Babtiste Le Martin de Bienville (25-13, 65.8%) Edouard-Babitste, the oldest brother, began his Cascadian military successes in 2009. His French-Scottish ancestry made his cast figure as thin as gas station gumbo, but Le Martin de Bienville soon proved a well-strung bow of finesse. Although enlisted merely as lead archer of Gerard’s attacking bowsmen, Le EBMB (as he was also known) has his eyes once again affixed on the throne. After some wobbles, the arrows are now the familiar piercing ones that once laid waste to the west. If you aren’t yet intimately familiar with Le Point du Le Martin, just wait. You will soon have ample time to inspect the arrows first-hand while attempting to pull them from your bleeding chest. “Je regrette, mais il faut revoir pour vos soldats,” (“I’m sorry, but it must be goodbye to your soldiers.”) he once uttered from atop a pile of opposing army bodies while sipping ginger ale from a newly emptied skull.
Pierre Le Kong d’Iberville (13-8, 61.9%) While similarly obsessed with dreams of royal ascendancy, Pierre Le Kong is truly a brother of another mother. By appearances alone, the two French-Scots are as different as twig and bear. Le Kong casts a more formidable, less manageable, figure at he head of the ranks and is given to furniture-moving bursts of rollick. His blunt blows have painted the region black and blue lately, leaving many with lingering internal damage. Proof positive of his brutal impact on the region is the establishment of a table rape hotline where shovelboard tables can call in for support after being violated by Le Kong.
Joie de Davre (8-5, 61.5%) The third Frere Merde is a soldier of love, preferring the seduction of women to the seduction of war. However, when asked directly to tie a maiden up, la joie, c’est sa (the joy is his). Davre’s early 2011 success seems vulnerably Utopian right now. It’s like he’s floating on a cloud of titties (“flotter sur un nuage de teton”, if you must know), blissfully unaware of the royal heavens above and the trench war below.
Zulouse Luatrec (6-4, 60%) He may have yielded an ouevre of exciting, elegant and provocative images of the modern, but he is little more than a poof in disguise. His 3-0 start quickly got cut into so many cotelettes. You know the ones that the poof’s eat.
Considering Chez Lien Le Poof de Fountainebleu (16-12, 57.1%) and Daniel Cavelier de le Salle (20-19, 51.3%) have ritually given two pints to the whiskey blood bank before each arrival, it is amazing they aren’t floating in Little Muddy right now. The youth-giving wonders of le rituel de le prepac have been verified by the trusted scientific community (composed solely of Daniel and Chez Lien), but questions abound in early 2011. The 2010 Hammer may have been an early endorsement, but it should be noted that full prepac activities began after the turn of the year.
Big Easy (3-8, 27.3%) Things started well for le debutant, but he has now suffered what is known as an earth punch. More baton than baron rouge, his triplane has crashed. Life truly is a mother-fokker, sometimes. However Easy it is to win Big against le dispositif de réglage (the adjuster) these days, the year is young. Being the only other father with prepac experience, his charmed day will come. Maybe a trip to Burma is in order.
Laurent de Cascadia (0-3, 0%) Une autre debutant, Laurent has yet to get off le nul. There is word that his regional supporters hold high expectations, but the Cascadian commoners worry that he may fall in with the mystics below, seldom to be seen again.
Mystic Society (0-0):
Timothy Sangsue Nous savons à quoi il ressemble.- We know what he looks like.
Lee Sous Chef Nous supposons qu’il est vivant – We assume he is alive.
Prendre du poids, messieurs!
Laissez les bons temps rouler!